One is the loneliest number...

We recently hired a world-famous photographer, Blake L, to cover our tour. He happened to catch this quiet moment on-stage the other day, a few hours before a show.
Here's how he captured such an incredible moment:

"As the crew was setting up a light on-stage, I was hanging out, relaxing, just wasting time in the hallways. I head someone start playing a song on the piano - it wasn't really a song so much as it was someone trying to figure out a song that they clearly had in their head and needed to play to the world. As I came out towards the stage, I spotted Jon, sitting, playing, looking vulnerable. He wasn't bothered by everyone working the lighting rigs around him, but I didn't want to intrude with a camera. So, I quietly snapped a few shots as he worked on the melody for this song, and I captured what I consider to be the best photo I've ever taken. And to give you some perspective, my photos are in museums across the world. I may retire because it will be hard for me to ever take a photo this good again."

When Nature Calls...

After a lovely lunch at La Salsa the other day, we hopped into the van to head to our next gig. About ten minutes into the drive, Mike turned a shade of green that could best be described as "Kermit-like." Apparently, the La Salsa didn't agree with him, and it was trying to exit his body in the most unpleasant of ways.

As we searched around for the nearest bathroom, we got lost in suburbia, but luckily, we found the perfect spot for Mike to sit down and have his "Assplosion."
The other guy in the picture was a fan of ours who happend to live in that neighborhood. Of course, with that guy hovering, Mike was feeling a bit poop-shy, and tried to ignore him. Then, the sick fucker tried to pee on Mike. The weird part: Mike didn't say no.

Fan Q&A #2

Thank you for all the emailed questions – we were overwhelmed with the response, so there will be a third one soon. Heather, Mike, Adam, and Jon took a few minutes last night to answer. So, without further delay, let’s get to our second ever web Q&A with the band:

Question from Evan M. of Cape May, NJ: “What are you guys listening to these days?”

Adam: The new Jonas Brothers album – those dudes are talented.
Jon: I’ve really rediscovered Stryper. Those guys knew how to dress, too.
Heather: I’ve been listening to my heart and my soul. Those have enough rhythm and music to keep me going.
Mike: I’ve been listening to the chick I’ve been banging. She’s loud.

Question from Dave W. of Boston, MA: “Who are you guys supporting in the Presidential election?”

Jon: None of us want to be political, so we don’t really want to preach about whom we’re supporting. But let’s just say that I feel that I’d be a better presidential candidate than any of the three running now.

Question from Erin M. of Los Angeles, CA: “You guys put on an incredible show. How do you get so pumped up before you go on?”

Heather: I have a routine to get ready for a show. About two hours before, I read some Ayn Rand and then I take a nap. When I wake up, I usually eat some dinner. Then, just before we go on, I'll have a doctor inject me with adrenaline. And that's how we get so pumped up before a show.

Question from John C. of Tuscon, AZ: “I’m in a group, ‘Temporary Reprieve,’ and we’re struggling to make it to the next level. What advice could you give to a young struggling group like ours?”

Mike: Let me give you and your group some advice:

1) Be more like us
2) Make sure you have a cool hook to your band, and when I say it’s a cool hook, I don’t mean, “Let’s get rid of our instruments and go a cappella with our shit.” You’ve gotta be stylish, different, and hot.
3) Play good fucking music, play it loud, and play it often.

Question from Bill K. of Brooklyn, NY: “If you were trapped on an island in the middle of the ocean, which band-mate would you most want to be stranded with and why?”

Heather: Jon. He’s the least grabby.
Jon: Heather. She’s the only chick and a guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do.
Adam: Heather. I’d need to populate that island, if you know what I mean.
Mike: I can only bring one? If everyone were there, it’d be a lot more fun!

Question from Dan M. of Newton, MA: " What is the strangest foreign object each band member has had to have removed from their body?”

Mike: A wooden spoon
Heather: Mike
Adam: Mike
Jon: The spirit of the 16th President of the United States. And Mike.

Question from Ann K. of Middletown, NY: “What’s the weirdest thing that’s every happened to you onstage?”

Adam: There was the one time when we got through a set without getting into a fight. That was weird. But I would have to say the weirdest was when some heckler got onstage and tried to fuck with Mike. Heather went over and beat him to a bloody pulp. I mean, when she punched him, he went down like a sack of potatoes. Mike was so scared, he was crying. It was awesome. And weird.
Mike: That was weird, and I wasn’t crying because I was afraid, but because I was thankful.

Heather's Poetry, Part 1

No matter where we're at, Heather is always writing. She doesn't like to share it with us a lot, but sometimes, she'll give a brief glimpse of what she's written. Well, she's done some poetry and decided to share it with the fans. Each poem is incredibly personal and they're deep. This is not for the light hearted. She's going to share poems with us as we go along. Here's the first one, entitled "Birds."

BIRDS by Heather

parrots pigeons peacocks, one
ravens roadrunners robins, two

little birds I can name a few
big birds I can name more than you

turkeys toucans tangers, three
sparrows seagulls swans, four

you may find most in a zoo
you may find some in your stew

hummingbirds herons hawks, five
magpies mockingbirds meadowlarks, six

when they fly away after a screw
this bird’s heart remains blue

The Dangers of Night Gigs

After tons of touring, we've learned a lot of lessons. There's a lot of dangers when you're trying to book a gig, especially when it's at night. Just let Murray from "Flight of the Conchords" explain why:



No one wants to be called ginger balls.

An Important Question

We've been sitting here all asking ourselves the same question. If someone could provide an answer, it would end an extremely heated debate:

How do you throw out a garbage can?

Q&A Part 2: Send Questions Now!

Assplosion fanatics, fans, and haters, here is your chance to interact with the band, without actually interacting with the band. We're going to do another Q&A with the band for the blog and we want your questions.

Please send any and all questions to assplosiontheband@gmail.com. Include your name, hometown, and question.

Oh, and for those who send in questions, we're going to pick a name randomly and send the winner an autographed photo.

Tour Rider

Sorry to post this here, but we've been having some issues trying to email the venues we're playing to give them our tour rider. For those venues who cannot download our tour rider, we're posting it here in PDF form to download. Please send back any signed contracts along with any questions to band management.

NOTE: Please click on picture to enlarge:


Thanks!
The Management

The Backbone of the Band

People never get a good view of Adam, usually because Heather is hogging the spotlight in front of him...okay, just kidding. The real reason is that its because he's in the back, playing the drums. People say he's a mix of Keith Moon and Animal, The Muppet. I say he's unique and no other drummer compares. But he also likes the idea of the blog, and has decided to write a post for you, the fans:

"Word up, suckaz!

Some people claim they were born to rock, but I, truly, was born to rock. You know why? Because when I was conceived, my parents were screwing to the sounds of Foghat's "Slow Ride." Seriously. It's pretty f'ing gross.

Maybe that's why bashing the skins comes so damn easily to me. Hell, the first time I had a fork and knife in my hands as a baby, I was bashing away at everything in front of me. By the time I was three, I was using chop sticks as drum sticks and playing on pots and pans. But that's old news.

Playing music is the easy part of this ride. Being in a band is the hard part. Before you go out on the road, there's a lot of bullshit you never think about, but it comes apparent that politics and a bureaucracy exists, no matter how hard you try to fight it. But when we play the music, it all goes away. I take any frustrations out on my kit - that kind of anger and passion translates into what makes me unique.

I hate to be bitching, but you just have to tell the truth. This band can be fun to play with, but sometimes, it can be hard to live with. But I think that tension is what makes this band so incredible. And maybe we aren't all huggy-kissy at all times as Mike would like it to be, but we get over it and we play. Because that's all we know how to do.

Who cares. We fucking rock. And we fucking rock hard. Keep on trucking!"

Deny, Deny, Deny!

Hey all!

Sorry we haven't been on the B-to-the-LOG lately, but our connections to the web have been weak-sauce. Finally we have a connection that we can steal for more than two minutes at a time.

Okay, so everyone was reading about Eliot Spitzer yesterday and the first thought that popped into everyone's mind was: "Is Heather actually Governor Spitzer's high-end call girl mentioned in the reports?" And the simple answer is, "No, Mike is." Yup, that's right, Mike was able to handle "the Spitz" like a cowboy riding a bucking bronco - hold on for eight seconds and hope for the best.

Of course, we're joking! We just wanted to tell you that we're alive and we'll be posting more shortly.

Laid-her, alli-gay-tor

Very Saucy!

We got this in an email from our friend and number one fan, Dave, who also happens to be a hot sauce connoisseur. He was shopping at the Grove's hot sauce store in LA and happened upon this treasure:
Upon closer inspection, we believe that Adam may have been the model for the ass on the label.

Thanks, Dave!

Life of a Roadie

Today's entry comes courtesy of our loyal roadie, Yancey. He's been with us since the beginning, so please, ladies and gents, please welcome the one and only, Yancey (That's him on the right):
This is my first time blogging. I'm not usually a writer, but since the gang asked, I couldn't resist.

A lot of people wonder what its like to work for this band. I'll be honest: I live, eat, sleep, and dream Assplosion. Assplosion is my life. I love this band - from the first time I saw them in a small club I knew they were special. And if I didn't love this band, there's no way I could put up with half the bullshit I deal with. But because I worship them in a weird way, I'm willing to put my life on the line for them. Fans always asks, "What's the best part of the gig?" and it's easy: seeing this band play together. It's a joy and a treat.

My job description is simple: whatever the band needs is what I need. Whatever they want is what I want. It is my job to provide things they cannot get, don't know how to get, or are just too lazy to get.

From town to town, I know everyone that needs to be known. My connections come through in ways that are both legal and illegal. Don't ask me how I meet these people, because I'm not really sure. They just show up when the circus is in town, and I'm the ringmaster.

But there are downfalls: underage kids trying to sneak in, breaking up fights, cleaning up after Mike's "parties." But, as the song says, "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have The Facts of Life."

Roadies are one-of-a-kind: we work hard, we play hard. We travel the world, but we never see it. We're as close to being rock royalty without really being a blood relative to the royals. But let's face it, without us, the show might not go on.

I don't really know what else I should say in this blog, so instead of trying to overstay my welcome, let me end with one of my favorite road songs, Jackson Browne's "The Load Out/Stay":

At Least We're Not Like This

We may fight and bicker, but at least we don't beat the shit out of each other on-stage. Here's a clip from one of our favorite movies, "Dig!" and one of our favorite scenes, when the Brian Jonestown Massacre show becomes a hockey game:

Looking For One Night of Love - S/W/G

S/W/G = Single White Guitarist is looking to spend a night/hour/half-minute of passion with you.

That's right, Mike's looking to get laid, and he's willing to throw you, the fans, a bone. He's like the modern-day Wilt Chamberlain, but he's been bored with his usual hook-ups and looking for some new adventures. If you are:

• 18, or older
• 80, or younger
  
• hot and/or sexy
  
• breathing
• willing
• disease free
  
• into Mike
• a woman
• a man who looks like a woman

...Mike will consider you. Send emails with your information to us.
And if you're not sure, just imagine making out with this:
Hot!

(Contest ends whenever Mike gets enough poon to turn his wang into a nubbin.)