Heather's Poetry, Part 4

Once again, Heather has given us some of her amazing poetry. We are lucky to have someone as talented and diverse as her just sharing a piece of her soul. The word "genius" is thrown around too often, but not with work like this:

Welcome New Fans

We'd like to welcome all of the new visitors to this site - we hope you were touched (in your privates) by our documentary. There's a lot of info on this blog about us - maybe too much.

If you have any questions for the band, please email us at: assplosiontheband@gmail.com.

Until then, keep on truckin'!!

Love,
Assplosion
Heather
Mike
Jon
Adam

BREAKING NEWS: THE PREMIERE OF OUR MOVIE

By popular demand, we've bootlegged a copy of the movie. Here it is in high quality, but let it load for a moment. It's worth the wait:

Behind the Fake Music from Brian McCarthy on Vimeo.

And in youtube quality:

Last Night's Premiere Party Pictures

The premiere of the film went well, and for the most part, we don't have many objections to the content. There are a few moments that may shock and surprise some of you, but we don't apologize for anything in our past.

The after-party was, as usual, a bit f'ing crazy. We can't post most of the photos due to legalities, but here's the two safest pix, and of course, they give you an idea of how insane the party was:

NEWS ALERT: Documentary Premiere!!

You may notice a gap in our non-stop touring schedule tonight, and there's a good reason: we're attending the premiere of the behind the scenes documentary about us. That's right, it's an insider's look at what the band Assplosion is really like.

We do want to add a disclaimer: we still haven't seen it. We've fought internally about it, we've fought with the director about it, we fought with our management about it. We really don't know what we're in store for, so keep your fingers crossed and hope that it won't cause us to nearly break-up again.

If the thing is good, maybe we'll post some of it on this site here, soon.

Oh, and if you see two large spotlights in the LA area, they're probably outside of our premiere. We are kind of a big deal.

Heather's Poetry, Part 3

Once again, Heather has given us a poem to post for everyone. This is very deep:

Never Say Never

Hi guys, Jon here. The band has asked me to write to you directly, especially at this critical time.

Just the other day, we made the official announcement that Adam has left the band and would be replaced by Jay. But just as quickly as we welcomed Jay to the band, he's had to step aside due to severe health issues. We wish Jay the best as he recovers from his illness.

Without a drummer, the band faced a decision at the crossroads. We swallowed our pride and turned to an unlikely source for help: we'd like to welcome Adam back to the band as our drummer.

We know this may be confusing to many of you, but after a few days apart, a few long conversations, a few tears, and a few hugs, Adam has agreed to rejoin us, as long as we continue repairing our relationship. It took an amazing set of circumstances to bring this group back to its original lineup, and we feel its the best lineup to continue on with.

While we regret the fact that Jay barely had a cup of coffee with us, we know that most of you will be thrilled that Adam is back. Things may appear normal, but there are many fences to mend with Adam, but I feel that we're on our way to better times, and a more perfect Union.

Press Release: Assplosion Welcomes New Member

Due to creative differences in our band, Adam Conger has stepped down from behind the drum kit. We want to wish Adam will in his future endeavors.

And with every goodbye, comes a hearty, "Hello!" We'd like everyone to welcome our new drummer, Jay Skowronek, who will be joining us, full-time, starting tonight.

This may come as a shock to many fans, but we could see this coming for a long time. It is natural to be upset, but we know that over time, you will come to accept Jay as a member of the band. He's incredibly talented and will help bring us to the next level.

And so, in honor of that Hollywood tradition of naming sequels, we want to introduce everyone, to Assplosion, 2.0: Assplosion Harder (This time it's personal!):
Keep On Rockin' In The Free World!
Heather
Mike
Jon

A Response From Adam

Responding to our singer's rant about why the band is in a state of flux...

Don't attempt to stand in a man's shoes when you haven't walked his path, especially since you're not even a man. 'Keeping rock 'n' roll alive?' I've made many attempts to remain cordial with the members of 'Splosion, but mainly, the likes of you. I've maintained a level of professionalism regardless of how many drugs I've ingested into my system. I have only cancelled one tour during the entire course of my run and that was the 'make-up' Tokyo tour. Now, shall I open that can of worms, Heather? Release the Kraken? Serve... Volley! You cancelled the England tour because you went to rehab, but I won't say why… we'll just let the readers of this site find out for themselves.

As for our fans — I will sweat, bruise, and bleed for you. And will continue to do so until the end of this tour. However, you deserve to hear Assplosion playing… not certain individuals forcing us to play her songs and not our songs. We're a four person band, not four solo acts. I don't tell her how to do her job. God forbid — could one imagine if I grabbed a guitar and started soloing along with Mike? That would never happen because I know my place. It's a shame… we were a gang. But ego and jealousy can get the better of anyone. I wish the best and plan to annihilate the stage in the last few shows of this tour.

A Post From Heather

I just wanted to address what happened at last night's show. Had a little turmoil on stage, as you probably all could tell.

Being in a band is a lot like being in a relationship. Sometimes you just don't get along. I guess there has been more turmoil lately, I guess, with the cancellations and all. It has been frustrating, I am not going to lie.

My career and life in rock 'n' roll has come with its ups and downs. Unfortunately, some people in this business don't realize how great of a life they have. Touring the world, meeting great people and fans all over the world. And just playing music for a living. I feel truly blessed. But sometimes the road can be draining for some. Being away from home and family does grind on you sometimes. With all the traveling and different beds. Personally, I love this and still can’t believe I am so lucky to still be doing what I do for a living.

Everybody could see who was unhappy last night, but all I can say is let's keep the rock alive, people!!!! In this life, you just pick up and keep moving. And don't ever let anybody stand in your way.

Heather's Poetry, Part 2

We've got something very cool for you guys: Heather wrote some more poetry while on the road, and once again, she wanted to share it with everyone, but this time, she gave us the original copy and said we could post it online.

Here's her newest, entitled "Backstage Haiku:"

Sell-Out? You bet!

We got your angry emails, and we understand that you feel we "sold out" by having Heather make an appearance at the Kids Choice Awards over the weekend, but it's getting harder and harder for bands to get exposure. The old outlets don't work like they used to: MTV doesn't show music, unless you're featured on "The Hills," and VH1 only has shows about washed-up celebrities going to rehab.

Everyone in the band debated this decision, but after much soul searching, they knew it had to be done. Heather volunteered to go because she knows that the KCA's are a great way for us to reach a newer and younger audience, one that we hope will grow up as fans of Assplosion. Plus, let's face it, by making an appearance, parents everywhere had to answer their children's question: "What's an Assplosion?"

Here's a snapshot of Heather after her triumphant walk down the orange carpet with Nick's pre-show host and Assplosion fan, Mark:
And you can see video of Heather's appearance on the KCA's here.

One is the loneliest number...

We recently hired a world-famous photographer, Blake L, to cover our tour. He happened to catch this quiet moment on-stage the other day, a few hours before a show.
Here's how he captured such an incredible moment:

"As the crew was setting up a light on-stage, I was hanging out, relaxing, just wasting time in the hallways. I head someone start playing a song on the piano - it wasn't really a song so much as it was someone trying to figure out a song that they clearly had in their head and needed to play to the world. As I came out towards the stage, I spotted Jon, sitting, playing, looking vulnerable. He wasn't bothered by everyone working the lighting rigs around him, but I didn't want to intrude with a camera. So, I quietly snapped a few shots as he worked on the melody for this song, and I captured what I consider to be the best photo I've ever taken. And to give you some perspective, my photos are in museums across the world. I may retire because it will be hard for me to ever take a photo this good again."

When Nature Calls...

After a lovely lunch at La Salsa the other day, we hopped into the van to head to our next gig. About ten minutes into the drive, Mike turned a shade of green that could best be described as "Kermit-like." Apparently, the La Salsa didn't agree with him, and it was trying to exit his body in the most unpleasant of ways.

As we searched around for the nearest bathroom, we got lost in suburbia, but luckily, we found the perfect spot for Mike to sit down and have his "Assplosion."
The other guy in the picture was a fan of ours who happend to live in that neighborhood. Of course, with that guy hovering, Mike was feeling a bit poop-shy, and tried to ignore him. Then, the sick fucker tried to pee on Mike. The weird part: Mike didn't say no.

Fan Q&A #2

Thank you for all the emailed questions – we were overwhelmed with the response, so there will be a third one soon. Heather, Mike, Adam, and Jon took a few minutes last night to answer. So, without further delay, let’s get to our second ever web Q&A with the band:

Question from Evan M. of Cape May, NJ: “What are you guys listening to these days?”

Adam: The new Jonas Brothers album – those dudes are talented.
Jon: I’ve really rediscovered Stryper. Those guys knew how to dress, too.
Heather: I’ve been listening to my heart and my soul. Those have enough rhythm and music to keep me going.
Mike: I’ve been listening to the chick I’ve been banging. She’s loud.

Question from Dave W. of Boston, MA: “Who are you guys supporting in the Presidential election?”

Jon: None of us want to be political, so we don’t really want to preach about whom we’re supporting. But let’s just say that I feel that I’d be a better presidential candidate than any of the three running now.

Question from Erin M. of Los Angeles, CA: “You guys put on an incredible show. How do you get so pumped up before you go on?”

Heather: I have a routine to get ready for a show. About two hours before, I read some Ayn Rand and then I take a nap. When I wake up, I usually eat some dinner. Then, just before we go on, I'll have a doctor inject me with adrenaline. And that's how we get so pumped up before a show.

Question from John C. of Tuscon, AZ: “I’m in a group, ‘Temporary Reprieve,’ and we’re struggling to make it to the next level. What advice could you give to a young struggling group like ours?”

Mike: Let me give you and your group some advice:

1) Be more like us
2) Make sure you have a cool hook to your band, and when I say it’s a cool hook, I don’t mean, “Let’s get rid of our instruments and go a cappella with our shit.” You’ve gotta be stylish, different, and hot.
3) Play good fucking music, play it loud, and play it often.

Question from Bill K. of Brooklyn, NY: “If you were trapped on an island in the middle of the ocean, which band-mate would you most want to be stranded with and why?”

Heather: Jon. He’s the least grabby.
Jon: Heather. She’s the only chick and a guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do.
Adam: Heather. I’d need to populate that island, if you know what I mean.
Mike: I can only bring one? If everyone were there, it’d be a lot more fun!

Question from Dan M. of Newton, MA: " What is the strangest foreign object each band member has had to have removed from their body?”

Mike: A wooden spoon
Heather: Mike
Adam: Mike
Jon: The spirit of the 16th President of the United States. And Mike.

Question from Ann K. of Middletown, NY: “What’s the weirdest thing that’s every happened to you onstage?”

Adam: There was the one time when we got through a set without getting into a fight. That was weird. But I would have to say the weirdest was when some heckler got onstage and tried to fuck with Mike. Heather went over and beat him to a bloody pulp. I mean, when she punched him, he went down like a sack of potatoes. Mike was so scared, he was crying. It was awesome. And weird.
Mike: That was weird, and I wasn’t crying because I was afraid, but because I was thankful.

Heather's Poetry, Part 1

No matter where we're at, Heather is always writing. She doesn't like to share it with us a lot, but sometimes, she'll give a brief glimpse of what she's written. Well, she's done some poetry and decided to share it with the fans. Each poem is incredibly personal and they're deep. This is not for the light hearted. She's going to share poems with us as we go along. Here's the first one, entitled "Birds."

BIRDS by Heather

parrots pigeons peacocks, one
ravens roadrunners robins, two

little birds I can name a few
big birds I can name more than you

turkeys toucans tangers, three
sparrows seagulls swans, four

you may find most in a zoo
you may find some in your stew

hummingbirds herons hawks, five
magpies mockingbirds meadowlarks, six

when they fly away after a screw
this bird’s heart remains blue

The Dangers of Night Gigs

After tons of touring, we've learned a lot of lessons. There's a lot of dangers when you're trying to book a gig, especially when it's at night. Just let Murray from "Flight of the Conchords" explain why:



No one wants to be called ginger balls.

An Important Question

We've been sitting here all asking ourselves the same question. If someone could provide an answer, it would end an extremely heated debate:

How do you throw out a garbage can?

Q&A Part 2: Send Questions Now!

Assplosion fanatics, fans, and haters, here is your chance to interact with the band, without actually interacting with the band. We're going to do another Q&A with the band for the blog and we want your questions.

Please send any and all questions to assplosiontheband@gmail.com. Include your name, hometown, and question.

Oh, and for those who send in questions, we're going to pick a name randomly and send the winner an autographed photo.

Tour Rider

Sorry to post this here, but we've been having some issues trying to email the venues we're playing to give them our tour rider. For those venues who cannot download our tour rider, we're posting it here in PDF form to download. Please send back any signed contracts along with any questions to band management.

NOTE: Please click on picture to enlarge:


Thanks!
The Management

The Backbone of the Band

People never get a good view of Adam, usually because Heather is hogging the spotlight in front of him...okay, just kidding. The real reason is that its because he's in the back, playing the drums. People say he's a mix of Keith Moon and Animal, The Muppet. I say he's unique and no other drummer compares. But he also likes the idea of the blog, and has decided to write a post for you, the fans:

"Word up, suckaz!

Some people claim they were born to rock, but I, truly, was born to rock. You know why? Because when I was conceived, my parents were screwing to the sounds of Foghat's "Slow Ride." Seriously. It's pretty f'ing gross.

Maybe that's why bashing the skins comes so damn easily to me. Hell, the first time I had a fork and knife in my hands as a baby, I was bashing away at everything in front of me. By the time I was three, I was using chop sticks as drum sticks and playing on pots and pans. But that's old news.

Playing music is the easy part of this ride. Being in a band is the hard part. Before you go out on the road, there's a lot of bullshit you never think about, but it comes apparent that politics and a bureaucracy exists, no matter how hard you try to fight it. But when we play the music, it all goes away. I take any frustrations out on my kit - that kind of anger and passion translates into what makes me unique.

I hate to be bitching, but you just have to tell the truth. This band can be fun to play with, but sometimes, it can be hard to live with. But I think that tension is what makes this band so incredible. And maybe we aren't all huggy-kissy at all times as Mike would like it to be, but we get over it and we play. Because that's all we know how to do.

Who cares. We fucking rock. And we fucking rock hard. Keep on trucking!"

Deny, Deny, Deny!

Hey all!

Sorry we haven't been on the B-to-the-LOG lately, but our connections to the web have been weak-sauce. Finally we have a connection that we can steal for more than two minutes at a time.

Okay, so everyone was reading about Eliot Spitzer yesterday and the first thought that popped into everyone's mind was: "Is Heather actually Governor Spitzer's high-end call girl mentioned in the reports?" And the simple answer is, "No, Mike is." Yup, that's right, Mike was able to handle "the Spitz" like a cowboy riding a bucking bronco - hold on for eight seconds and hope for the best.

Of course, we're joking! We just wanted to tell you that we're alive and we'll be posting more shortly.

Laid-her, alli-gay-tor

Very Saucy!

We got this in an email from our friend and number one fan, Dave, who also happens to be a hot sauce connoisseur. He was shopping at the Grove's hot sauce store in LA and happened upon this treasure:
Upon closer inspection, we believe that Adam may have been the model for the ass on the label.

Thanks, Dave!

Life of a Roadie

Today's entry comes courtesy of our loyal roadie, Yancey. He's been with us since the beginning, so please, ladies and gents, please welcome the one and only, Yancey (That's him on the right):
This is my first time blogging. I'm not usually a writer, but since the gang asked, I couldn't resist.

A lot of people wonder what its like to work for this band. I'll be honest: I live, eat, sleep, and dream Assplosion. Assplosion is my life. I love this band - from the first time I saw them in a small club I knew they were special. And if I didn't love this band, there's no way I could put up with half the bullshit I deal with. But because I worship them in a weird way, I'm willing to put my life on the line for them. Fans always asks, "What's the best part of the gig?" and it's easy: seeing this band play together. It's a joy and a treat.

My job description is simple: whatever the band needs is what I need. Whatever they want is what I want. It is my job to provide things they cannot get, don't know how to get, or are just too lazy to get.

From town to town, I know everyone that needs to be known. My connections come through in ways that are both legal and illegal. Don't ask me how I meet these people, because I'm not really sure. They just show up when the circus is in town, and I'm the ringmaster.

But there are downfalls: underage kids trying to sneak in, breaking up fights, cleaning up after Mike's "parties." But, as the song says, "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have The Facts of Life."

Roadies are one-of-a-kind: we work hard, we play hard. We travel the world, but we never see it. We're as close to being rock royalty without really being a blood relative to the royals. But let's face it, without us, the show might not go on.

I don't really know what else I should say in this blog, so instead of trying to overstay my welcome, let me end with one of my favorite road songs, Jackson Browne's "The Load Out/Stay":

At Least We're Not Like This

We may fight and bicker, but at least we don't beat the shit out of each other on-stage. Here's a clip from one of our favorite movies, "Dig!" and one of our favorite scenes, when the Brian Jonestown Massacre show becomes a hockey game:

Looking For One Night of Love - S/W/G

S/W/G = Single White Guitarist is looking to spend a night/hour/half-minute of passion with you.

That's right, Mike's looking to get laid, and he's willing to throw you, the fans, a bone. He's like the modern-day Wilt Chamberlain, but he's been bored with his usual hook-ups and looking for some new adventures. If you are:

• 18, or older
• 80, or younger
  
• hot and/or sexy
  
• breathing
• willing
• disease free
  
• into Mike
• a woman
• a man who looks like a woman

...Mike will consider you. Send emails with your information to us.
And if you're not sure, just imagine making out with this:
Hot!

(Contest ends whenever Mike gets enough poon to turn his wang into a nubbin.)

Fan Q&A

We asked all of you who are members of our fan club to submit questions for an online Q&A. We've run everything through our legal department and here's the first batch of questions that have been approved for your enjoyment:

Question from Annie T. of Los Angeles, CA: "I love all of your different looks. Where do you guys get all your style from?"
Adam Answered: Mostly from Heather's closet. All of her clothes fit Mike and I perfectly. I think Jon steals his clothing from homeless people and clowns.

Question from Keri D. of New York, NY: "What is the biggest perk you guys have?"
Mike Answered: I am an absolute neat freak. And one of my biggest pet peeves is dirty underwear. I like to feel clean, so I tend to change my underwear every hour. Luckily, I was able to hire a specific assistant who follows me around so that when I need to change my underwear, I'll just drop trou, throw my skivvies to the ground, and my assistant will pick them up and clean them. It's pretty awesome.

Question from Brian M. of Rockaway, NJ: "Heather, will you go out with me next time you're in the NY/NJ area?"
Heather Answered: You're the guy who keeps sending me nude photos of yourself and stalking me when I'm in NY. STOP BUGGING ME, ASSHOLE! (If the authorities are online, please hunt this man down. He has been tracking me for years and he's really scary.)

Question from Erin C. of Winston-Salem, NC: "What do you guys do when you're traveling to the next city?"
Mike Answered: Manscaping: my chest and facial hair take a long time to get right.

Question from Dave P. of Silver Lake, CA: "Who is the worst person to travel with?"
Adam Answered: I'd definitely say Mike. He's always manscaping and getting his hair everywhere. Plus, he's always changing his underwear. It's just weird.

Question from Blake L. of Ithaca, NY: "What's the weirdest fact about you that no one knows?"
Jon Answered: I enrolled at clown college for a semester, but I failed juggling 101 and was asked to leave. Here was my freshman year photo:

Thanks to everyone who sent in their questions. If we don't get into too much trouble for posting these, we'll do another round soon.

Lost And Found

On the road, we love to party backstage with friends, family and fans. And usually, after the party, we find a lot of weird shit that they've left behind, backstage. We created a list of what's in our lost and found box and hopefully, we can get some of your possessions back to you. The "Lost and Found" box contains:

-A set of keys
-A blue winter jacket
-An ipod
-A pair of New Balance sneakers
-One copy of "Chicken Soup for the Woman Golfer’s Soul"
-One can of chicken soup
-The deed to a 1978 Pinto
-A Bic blue pen
-One banana
-The January 2002 issue of "Cat Fancy"
-A Brother P-Touch labeler
-Rick Astley's "Greatest Hits" CD
-The entire collection of GoBots
-Jimmy Buffet concert tickets

So, if you happened to leave the following things behind, please contact our roadie, Yancey, immediately and he'll get it shipped to you immediately.

Pulling Everyone Together

It's been a bumpy ride for us lately. But to get us through it, Jon gave us a pep talk yesterday before we went on...it was inspirational and oddly familiar, although we're not sure why:

"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that this nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate we cannot hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember, what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us - that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion - that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain - that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom - and that government of the people, by the people, or the people, shall not perish from this earth.

Now let's go play some mother fucking rock and roll!"

Don't Believe The Hype

To the members of the Assplosion Artillery,

We've been bombarded with emails and calls today, and for the record...

...NO WE ARE NOT BREAKING UP!!!

Whoever is the one putting out nasty rumors about us, well, we all hope that you get an awful case of Chinese diarrhea!

As with any band, there's always internal issues, but in the end, we're a family, and despite the fact that we may have a dysfunctional Thanksgiving dinner, we all say 'I love you' and hug after the pumpkin pie. We all still love each other dearly, and we're working through our issues. We just need to take time to make this band the best it can be…and we are doing that now.

The tour is rolling on. The rocking will continue. And the Assplosion will blow away your mind.

Peace, Love, and Understanding,
Assplosion

Last Night's Benefit Show

We personally want to thank each and every one of you who made it to last night's benefit show, "Beat Black Hairy Tongue!" It's a cause that's very near and dear to our hearts as a number of us in the band have battled this wretched condition. We also want to thank the other bands on the bill who donated their time to support us: Steak!, Nightsplints, Mifflinity, and Black Pussy. For those who didn't make the show, not only did we kick ass, but it was one of our emotional gigs in a long time.

So many people ask, "Is Black Hairy Tongue real?" Of course it's real. You can read more about it here or here. The pictures aren't pretty, so we're not going to post them. Our hope is that through these benefits is to help find a true cure for this condition, as well as spread knowledge of it. We hope that by sharing our personal, harrowing tales of black hairy tongue, maybe we'll be able to touch one person, someone too scared to tell anyone about the black hair-like growth on their tongue, then maybe we're one step closer to destroying BHT for good.

Love,
Heather, Mike, Adam, Jon

PS: Here's a picture from last night's gig...

If You Wanna Hang Out, You've Gotta Take Her Out...

Welcome!

For our fans who stumbled upon this blog, welcome!

We've decided to take it upon ourselves to share our minds, our insanity, our passion, and our inner-workings with you...and when we share our inner-workings, you better wear a jimmy-cap because we've got more warts in bad places than you can imagine!

For those of you who aren't fans yet, we'll convert you and have you signed up for the "Assplosion Artillery"© soon enough.

We're doing this to keep in touch with the pulse of the band: you, the fans. It's hard for us to email each and every one of you individually, so consider this our "official" response to each and every one of your pieces of fan mail.

We'll be updating here and there, keeping you all posted on our goings-on. We've got some shows planned, some pictures to share, maybe even a few movie clips...if you're lucky. Sorry, no music downloads...the big-wigs aren't huge fans of that.

Keep visiting, we'll try to keep updating as often as possible.

Thanks, and see you on the road!

Hugs and kisses,
ASSPLOSION
aka: Heather, Mike, Jon, and Adam

COMING SOON...